Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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