Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
