Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
This is the high leading the old right now
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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