Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
