I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
