we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
