Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Randomize
