So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
