How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
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