There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
