Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Randomize
