Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
