So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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