he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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