my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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