They should really pass out barf bags in church
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize
