Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
