Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Randomize
