I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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