Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
