I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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