This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize