turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
