I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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