Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She just used a chaser for red wine.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
