Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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