As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
this hospital has no fireball
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
