i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
