Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
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