I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
