I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
