note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Randomize
