I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
