There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You pole danced in your parka.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
