I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize
