I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize
