So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
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