if i can run in heels then i can drive
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
