I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
