I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
