the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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