This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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