I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
