I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
