Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My liver is preforming stress tests.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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