You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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