I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
