I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Randomize
