When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
