FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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