Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
