he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
