did you get engaged???
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
