I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
