he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize