I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize