I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
