masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
