Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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