I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
