i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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